INTERNET — Fans mourn the loss of journalist and social media pundit Tim Pool, 35, who passed suddenly after a monoclonal antibody treatment for COVID-19 wore off, Friday morning.
Pool recently appeared on Fox News in tears and arguing for his freedom to dodge the very vaccine that would have surely saved his life.
Tim Pool’s meteoric rise to fame came as he covered the Occupy Wall Street movement in 2012, documenting every single incident of property damage and leading to several arrests.
From that point on, Pool said he was “destined” to parlay his fame as a riot livestreamer for the more alluring role of a straight-talking political influencer, shilling for the Trump 2020 campaign, even earning several “favs” from President Trump himself.
While some have criticized Pool’s suicidal trajectory during the pandemic, Pool’s friends are more circumspect. “There’s great liberty in sickness, and especially death,” Cassandra Fairbanks said, cuddling her pet monkey, Hillary. “If Americans want to incubate a deadly virus in their bodies for a few weeks, go around without masks on coughing and wheezing down at the Bojangles, only to have their lungs rot out in the hallway of an overloaded hospital, that’s their constitutional right. That’s the American Dream, man. And Tim Pool lived every last breath of it. Give us Liberty and Give Us Death!”
DALLAS — John F. Kennedy Jr. appeared briefly in Dallas on Tuesday, as predicted by Qanon, and was seen waving to crowds from the sunroof of his bulletproof Cadillac before he was shot in the torso and carried off in what onlookers described as a black, deep-state ambulance.
He was smiling, “so happy,” and looked like he hadn’t aged a day in 22 years, said Maria Sabinski, 47, who showed up to witness the ‘Dead Kennedy’ come out from hiding.
JFK Jr. was expected to announce Trump’s presidency, dethroning Biden, and explain why everyone thinks he is rising from the dead.
“We heard a crack from the book depository, then two shots rang out from a grassy knoll,” she said, gesturing in each direction.
“His expression changed. He looked surprised, then pained, as he clutched a spot in his belly. They took him out of one black car and put him in another. Then they all sped off together, like a bat out of Hell.”
JFK Jr., originally believed by uninquisitive NPC sheeple to have died in a plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean in 1999, was expected to declare Donald Trump as president.
Mere seconds before the world-shattering announcement, he was brutally murdered from the old book depository building, a security blind spot that has plagued presidential motorcades passing through Dallas for more than half a century.
Barry Knudsen, core disciple of QAnon and Lieutenant Digital Soldier, told reporters, “We are all QAnon, we are the main characters in this story. Where we go one, we go all.” He gestured at the crowd of weeping fans, “You see these guys and gals here, they aren’t just sheeple hiding behind their computers talking shit, like demoncrats. Look at their faces, they really want to protect the children. They really love the children. They’ll do whatever it takes.”
All mention of the incident was scrubbed from social media. QAnon fans who shared screenshots of deleted posts quickly faced system crashes after which their devices would no longer boot and upon close inspection were wiped of all data.
Dallas Sheriff Harold F. Gloasen told reporters, “We had no reports of a shooting, of shots fired, nothing. There were no permits issued for a motorcade through Dealey Plaza, and certainly no murder case for the long deceased JFK Jr.”
A mother, who asked not to be named, was out shopping with her 1-year-old infant when she passed by the confusion.
“First I was like ‘are they saying the Pledge of Allegiance right now?’ I didn’t even want to walk by them, but there were so many people they were blocking the sidewalk,” she said. “That’s when I saw John F. Kennedy Jr. hanging out of a limousine. I just went ‘huh, I thought he was dead.’ Now I guess he really is.”
The Biden Administration refuses to acknowledge the high-profile assassination of a political leader that until now, was presumed dead.
Our prayers are with the Kennedy family as they attempt to find out which underground deep-state human containment facility is processing the corpse of JFK Jr., the Herald of Truth.
Chad Worthington Hardcock, an 18-year-old senior from Hidden Valley High School in Roanoke, Va. was a star quarterback, Valedictorian, and voted by his high school yearbook Most Likely to Learn How to Read.
He once had dignity, poise, and commanded respect. Now, he refers to himself as Tinder’s whipping boy, a scapegoat, and the dating platform’s most misunderstood predator.
That’s just Chad.
Random, unfair background checks being deployed against your boy here are threatening his shit, and unless he changes phone numbers, his dating profile could soon bear the scarlet letter of something he definitely did not do, that you know about.
Following serious allegations, Chad took great efforts to clean up his act, take a shave, and keep appearances up.
For instance, Chad now feeds the homeless. He poisons one meal at random.
Now, Chad attends religious teachings from Mormon philosopher Christopher Nemelka, a quaint, abusive, but fair man with no fixed address, currently residing in Idaho.
“I told him I’m in a real vulnerable place right now, and how young I was,” Chad stated on Facebook. “Chris said I was awesome.”
He joined a social club.
“The Proudbois took me in a minute,” Chad said. “Them and Qanon are awesome.”
Chad’s doing awesome. Still, there have been bumps along the way.
Taking the lead from his new mentors, Chad took a stance on social media to show that he cares about what’s happening in the Middle East. However, in a damaging blow to his ego, he was frothing with white hot jealousy as he learned that while he was out nip-hunting all summer, Middle Eastern rednecks took it upon themselves to sack a capital city.
“That could have been us!” he tweeted. “Jan. 6 was a trial run. Proved there’s no risk.”
As investigators look deeper into fatherless Chad, the Internet Chronicle went and talked to the last of his thinning support network.
Chad’s varsity football coach said his star player’s troubled past ought to explain, if not forgive, his minor transgressions.
“He had some date-rapes under his belt,” Hughes said with a laugh. “He has a few DUIs, but overall, he’s not a bad kid. He is a Hardcock, though. His mom beats him.”
Chad’s mom Karen said she thinks the world of her himbo.
“He’s learned from his past and he’s ready to hide his mistakes,” she said. “He’s matured so much. He has his own attorney now.”
With allegations growing against him amid a widening investigation, Chad says he is ready to stand tall, stare down a judge, and take up space before a jury of his peers.
“I know I didn’t do nothing wrong,” Chad says. “That’s wassup.”
This story is brought to you proudly on strange tapes recorded by Raleigh Sakers.